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B - Boredom When Not in Fight or Flight

Life is pretty boring these days, and that's supposed to be a good thing. I'm supposed to want a calm, easy life with no drama. But in my brain, calm equals boring.

I have spent the majority of my life in fight or flight mode. I lived through layers of childhood trauma, so life was never safe. Life was scary and unpredictable. Life gave me a constant supply of adrenaline.

In college, my mental illnesses made themselves apparent (most of them anyway). So I never knew what my days would look like, because I never knew what kind of day my brain was going to have. My life remained unpredictable.

This continued into my marriage. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I can find drama in anything. A wrong word, a wrong glance, a missed text message--any of it could send me spiraling. I couldn't allow things to be calm. My nervous system was trained for constant arousal. Calm was uncomfortable.

Then my living situation became extremely volatile. My nervous system didn't have to find ways to stay in hyperarousal--it was a natural reaction to my circumstances. This continued until conditions became unsafe enough that I was forced to move.

Since then I have moved into a place with just me and my son. I've also finally found effective therapy. Being diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder finally allowed all the different alters to address their traumas. They have been able to see that we are safe. I have been able to see that we are safe.

Things aren't completely calm. I still have to deal with family drama every now and then, but I've mostly distanced myself from that. I still have friends, although I'm not great at keeping in touch. I still struggle with emotional instability, but I'm learning techniques to address that. I have a (sort of) relationship, which admittedly gives me something to agonize over from time to time. But for the most part there's not a lot of conflict in my life.

This is a good thing, but it's difficult. Now that I'm not fighting daily battles, life is pretty boring. And it's extremely uncomfortable. I wish I was the type of person that could fill their time with chores, but ADHD makes doing housework extremely difficult. I also deal with chronic fatigue, so sometimes I really don't have the energy to do things.

I used to have hobbies, but none of them really interest me anymore. I have no current hyperfixations. I'm always tired. Most days I just lay on the couch and watch TV.

I haven't found a solution to my boredom. To be honest, I think I'm in burnout. I'm hoping continued therapy will help. I'm also hoping to get on ADHD medication, which hopefully will give me the ability to do more housework. Surely that will fill my evenings.

In the meantime, I am learning to sit with the boredom. Some days are easier than others. But every day, I'm trying.


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