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We’re a 21 year old autistic trans man with a really confusing history.

We’re a 21 year old autistic trans man with a really confusing history with hosts and system discovery, so I'll try to explain as best I can. We had a host called Nathan from the age of like 3-14 ish. He didn't know he was the host, didn't even know he was in a system. Then, at the age of 14-ish, I arrived in the system and at 16 another alter, Leon. Leon also didn't know he was a system (I found out after 2 years because I was self destructive so I was constantly pulled from front and into innerworld and I had it explained to me by older alters that knew).

So at 18, Leon and Nathan both merged to create Liam (body's name). They still didn't know. Then 3-4 years ago, at the start of the first lock down (so 2019/20?) he realised that the voices he was hearing weren't his 'inner monologue' because we were always audibly arguing and had our own distinct appearances and voices or whatever. Anyway, he researched a bit and found a youtuber with DID and decided to try writing in a journal. He wrote an introduction and Julian (system manager) allowed us to introduce ourselves. So we did, writing intros and stuff. Granted, not all of us but just a few. Anyway, the stress of him coming to and having all these entries was too much for him so he split again into Nathan and Leon who are now both co-host and host respectively.

It was hard for him to understand it was a dissociative disorder because of the stigma and lack of information online. Leon used to go through denial a lot but thankfully he's more accepting of it these days. He started seeking a diagnosis (with our help) the second he assumed it was DID (so shortly after the first lockdown) though we've been in and out of therapy and counselling for over 7 years. These experiences actually made us worse and caused more splits and stress.

Very recently we had to take things into our own hands and contact the Greater Manchester mental health team personally begging for help. Almost exactly a year ago (20th Dec 2021) I had a breakdown and tried to end things, selfishly, and we ended up in A+E (I’m doing better now). Nathan fronted at the hospital as I was pulled from front and the poor kid felt he had to lie to the doctors and said he didn't hear voices and was 'normal'. It was a traumatising experience.

Seven months later we got a counsellor through the NHS - we began googling as many helplines as we could. Our fiancé suggested a new counselling service his dad went to but they rejected us as they worked in partnership with the one we'd just been discharged from. So they were no use but their website had a link that led to the GMMH website and they had a self referral form and questionnaire which we filled in and sent off - we didn't even know this was an option as no one had told us about this being available.

The counsellor made everything so much worse and reminded us of trauma we'd forgotten about but didn't help us process it. After 6 sessions she let us go so we begged for help and got a phone call assessment (on the 6th December 2022!) with a psychologist. Leon explained everything and she said it definitely sounds like DID but primary care can't help us so she's referred us to secondary care for a possible diagnosis, though that's unlikely and they want to rush straight into therapy and treatment. The therapy and treatment will be provided by BAS (Bolton Assessment Service) but they don't offer help or diagnosis to just anyone, so might pass me over due to not being seen as a high risk case or whatever. If this is the case I'll have to return to primary care specialists for therapy instead.

Recently we stopped taking medication and it's hit us pretty hard but we've been on almost every type of antidepressant with no help. We’ve got an appointment with BAS on the 10th January. The medical system has let us down severely as has every adult in our life. If they would've helped us when we needed it we wouldn't be as damaged as we are. If we'd have known more about DID then maybe Nathan could've asked for help when we had the chance.


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