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A - Am I Autistic?

*We are a DID system and the alter fronting will often use we and I interchangeably.

Over the past few months we've silently been dealing with questioning if we might have autism. Some months ago a handful of people suggested we get tested for autism. And we're realizing now that a therapist we worked with for a short time just assumed we were autistic.

There's been a few times that we've thought maybe we are autistic, but we always conclude we have traits but don't think we'd qualify for an actual diagnosis. If we are, we would be very low support needs. Although I suppose when you've lived your whole life a certain way you may not actually realize you need support with something. (If I could get someone to make phone calls for me that would be amazing!)

Something that I continue to consider is how autism shows up in AFAB people. I've been wondering recently if maybe I don't have BPD, but the combination of ADHD and autism is presenting as BPD. My therapist quickly shot that down by saying I might have autism, but I also have BPD.

Part of me wants to be assessed because if I am autistic I feel like the last puzzle pieces of my childhood would fall into place. I feel like I would understand why I am the way I am. I've spent my life just thinking there was something wrong with me, and if I am autistic then I would know it's just that my brain works differently.

Part of me is afraid to get an assessment. If I am diagnosed, that's one more label to add to the mountain of diagnoses I have.

I keep going back and forth as I examine how I interact with the world. For example, I'm a very sarcastic person, so I use this as a reason I can't be autistic. But I'm starting to realize I don't always pick up on other people's jokes and sarcasm. Unless the statement is absurd, I usually take words at face value. Another example is how much I hate uncertainty and undefined relationships, although I've always attributed this to my black and white thinking associated with BPD. (I'm aware black and white thinking is also an autistic trait.)

I don't know. If anything it might be worth getting assessed just so I can stop going back and forth in my own mind. My therapist is supportive. I guess I'm just afraid of what the outcome might be.


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