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I - Isolation

One of the difficult things about being a (DID) system is that we are a mix of introverts and extroverts. And I'm not sure if some of us are true ambiverts, or if it's a result of being a mixed system.

This is especially hard for the extroverts when I start to self-isolate. And I've noticed that as I get older I isolate a lot more. I'm not entirely sure why I self-isolate so much, but I'm sure it has to do with all the arrows the world continues to fling at me. It's just safer if I stay in my own little space.

But I'm not the only one in this body. And there are others who would much rather socialize. But because of my increasing self-isolation, there's not a lot of people for them to reach out to. So if everyone is busy, they get very sad and lonely.

I can admit that I'm also lonely. I wish I wanted to be around other people. Isolation is boring. Even when I am around others, I have nothing to talk about. I don't do anything to talk about.

I wonder if underlying this isolation is depression, of a different sort than the depression I treat with medication. Actually, the more I isolate the better that depression seems to be. But there persists a certain weariness of the world. I suppose it's similar to the German concept of weltschmerz.

It's easy to understand where this feeling comes from. Everywhere you turn there's another piece of bad news. Another war. Another corrupt politician. Another greedy corporation. Society is collapsing. No one can afford food and housing. The world is depressing. And we are expected to know and care about every depressing fact, nevermind what's going on in our own personal lives.

Maybe that's what I'm really isolating from. It's too much for any human to realistically bear. It's impossible to care about everything and take care of your own life. I just want to separate from the world. I want a break from the despair. My mind simply cannot hold space for it anymore.

And I am meant to feel shame for this exhaustion. For my decision to protect my mental health. And that chastisement sends me further into isolation. I will leave such a small footprint on this Earth.

And I think the others in the system know that. We all just pretty much keep to ourselves these days. And the extroverts seek human connection when they feel too restless. I just hope I don't isolate so far that they have no one to reach out to.

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