This is an excerpt from our book, The revelation. We've not found many persecutors in our system, Kai was the main one that we met and Isabel definitely fell within the grey area of protector-persecutor for a long time. We don't know if we've just been lucky, with how we processed Kai and Is, but we managed to relatively quickly. This is most of what was written by/about Kai in 2021, we hope that by sharing we can help others navigate healing their own persecutors.
TW - suicidal and intrusive thoughts, swearing.
"Sometime around this time, people started paying attention to some thoughts that had been floating around. Amber had always suffered from intrusive thoughts. Wondering what they are? Miya wrote a poem, we’re good.
U no the ones
U see a blade
And feel it cut
Even though it doesn’t
You look at someone you love
One day they’ll die
And I won’t be able to cope
And you feel it
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide had been common for as long as Amber could remember, but, as per Miya’s poem, there can be other ways a brain can torture itself. After becoming more aware of what was happening in the consciousness, they started to notice when these thoughts were happening. When the bad thoughts happened, they’d notice, and box them up. They called whoever was thinking the thoughts either It or The Thing, and for a while just kept boxing them up and shutting them away as they happened.
Until, one day, Mia knew what to do, writing to It in the journal:
“Dear That Thing. We just want to say that we know you are scared. It will be ok. Being out is scary. It be ok tho fren, just talk to Amber and Isabel and they help you feel better. You can play animal crossing and share my piffle game if you want to! Ok I send you love and hugs! From Mia!”
It was explained to The Thing that they were a persecutor, they’re a common and recognisable type of alter who inflicts harm upon the system. This is usually misguided protection - ‘if I hurt you, no one else can'’, ‘if you’re always prepared for the worst, it’s safer’, and ‘if you kill youself, it won’t hurt anymore’. Suicidal ideation has been a constant, we are glad we don’t have to live with it (much - things are still rough, and even without persecutors thinking the negative thoughts, it’s not uncommon for a quick ‘omg can we not just kill ourselfs please?’ to pass through).
‘It’ was still angry. At some point he chose the name Kai though, there were other names, Kai came later but we’ll just use Kai for clarity (inside think that it’s hilarious that this I do for clarity.)
By Kai and Mia
I am scared
I hate myself
I am useless
I do horrible things
And am not worthy
I wish I could die
I want to do
To the body
I like Mia
She make me feel
I feel bad
Everyone else feel bad
I take away the happy
I make the sad big
I hate EVERYTHING
I hate life
I hate breathing
I hate happiness
I hate fun
Fun is stupid
Only stupid people
Think fun is good
Kai enjoyed coming out to construct this poem with Mia from his angry words, and catching up on everything that has happened out here. We don’t hear from him often now, he lives deep inside. Mia kept sending the love, as they scribbled at each other in the journal.
“Mia: Hi Kai, it Mia. It ok you feel like that. Your feelings matter and there's a reason you feel them!
Kai: What reason? Why I feel bad?
M: It because something happen to you or us. You were very strong and brave and you took the bad feeling for us! We say thank you!
K: That’s stupid. I no do that. I hate. I no help.
M: You do help! You do a very good job! You save us and we send you love!
K: I don’t want your love!! I HATE YOU
M: That ok. I love you anyway
Isabel: Mia is right, we love you Kai.
Maya: Yep, we love you.
K: I hate you all too. You no love me
Is: That’s ok. It’s hard to accept, I know. I’ve felt really bad at times too. I’ve done horrible things and been full of shame. Now, and yes it’s taken time, but now I work with the system, not against it. I give and receive love. I feel worthwhile. I’m trying to do good and you can too. It won’t be easy but you can do it. We promise. You are more than your trauma and all the bad feelings. You can heal.
K: What if I don’t want to heal? I don’t want anyone talking to anyone outside or inside. I want us all to die slowly and painfully. Horrible nasty. Pain suffering.
M: Ah. That a bit mean but ok if that how you feel. We help you feel better! You keep coming and talking and we send love! You can help me do the house in animal crossing if you wants to? You can have a room! Which room do you want?
K: I want the basement. I make horrible dark and nasty.
M: Ok, but can I put one corner with nice things in? We do together?”
They planned the house, who would have each room. It never happened. Most things planned don’t; it’s a wonder this book is being written. Ah, it wasn’t planned. Except by Mia, anyway.
And Mia was busy having more meetings:
“Mia: Good morning effryone! Should we talk about the contract?
Isabel: Good idea Mia. What would everyone like in it?
M: Mostly that mummy won’t ignore us again! Oh, AL wants to say something.
Amber Louise: Good morning effryone. I am Amber Louise. I am very scare. I don’t know why. I happy I haff Mia. She make me feel very welcome and tell me I can play! She show me squirrels and let me share them. I love them. And Animal Crossing. I happy I get to haff fun now. I little. Maybe four. I wear bridesmaid dress it blue.
Kai (most of this is written in upper case. I can’t do it to my eyes and ears, but imagine all this shouted): I here too. I still very angry but I want to say that I like Mia. She nice even though I am not and I hate. She say I can haff my own game. She ask what I am like. I am a boy. Six maybe. I hate. I want everyone to hide and not talk.
M: Ok thank you AL and Kai. That very helpful. We love you both.
M: Yes we do Kai! We love you! You safe! You can play! It will be ok frend.
K: FUCK OFF MIA YOU MAY BE NICE BUT YOU NO NO ME! I BAD! I NO GOOD!
M: That ok Kai.We still love you! Me and Is and Maya and effryone! We here to help.
K: I NO WANT HELP. I WANT DEAD.
M: That’s ok. Let’s play a game, me and you and Amber Louise. You gotta be nice though. Or else go back inside!”
Mia chatted to him, she asked if he would like to come into the body and play a game on the phone, he said he would like that. She gave him strict rules: 1. You can play the game and only the game, 2. No being angry or thinking bad thoughts, 3. You play the game then go back inside. He agreed to these terms, came out, played the game, was angry he wasn’t allowed to be angry (Mia let him have that), and went back to wherever he came from.
by Mia and Berlou
We goin to buy TOYS!
Me and Berlou and Kai
Allowed £5 each to spend!!!
Kai want a Dino or a car
Berlou want a dolly and
I want the biggest bestest doll house you effer seen!!!
Amber say good luck wiff that
From your obvious favrit, Mia
Today we go shopping
For toys for me and Kai and Mia
We go to charity shops
and we allowed £5 each
I wanted a dolly like a baby
We found one
that I luffed but it £15
Kai and Mia said I could haff their £5s
so I could get it
I so happy!
I call her Bumblebee and I so happy I cwy!
Dis her in the pictur
This was a pivotal moment in Berlou’s healing, having Bumblebee did something very special, and we’ve seen the same phenomenon happen with other alters. We think these external toys are created inside, and healing and progress is happening inside as well as outside, all the time. When the littles take their toy inside for the first time, usually we have someone (normally Carisabel) ‘hold the door open’, the little hugs their physical toy so hard and simultaneously runs inside in the headspace, through the shortcut door we have just to the left of our forehead. Yep, it’s weird.
It was also significant for Kai too - he wanted a car or a dinosaur. When he saw Berlou and the doll she wanted so much, he immediately said she could have his money. He was developing compassion and empathy, the others had benefited greatly from having their own friends (comparable equals in other systems - it’s hugely healing and validating to speak to people ‘like us’, especially the children). So they found Kai a friend, I’m just looking at his conversation with James (another system’s little). There are some gems:
“They no let me out cause I fink bad thoughts but dey say if I gud i can come out”
“I sorry I slow my stinky sister Amber Louise is chatting to a frend too”
“They just start letting me out bc I mean and nasty. But I don’t want to be anymore I fink. I will always be nice to you James. You gud frend”
“Fank you for being my frend James. We no talk long but I feel better. It’s actually maybe nice to be nice”
Kai made fast progress. He aged quickly and now lives deep inside with Cherry and others, taking care of whatever is happening over there."
- Mia and Jessica