Reconciling the past and the present: nostalgia, grief, and Robbie Williams.

This is a long one… We knew we had a lot to say here, and we have tried to cut it down, but, we don’t want to much more. This post explores a little of our journey with music, and how a concert meant to be fun and joyful, instead stirred deep emotions tied to both our past and present selves.

We talk about our old Robbie Williams obsession, he was very important to us in our teens and we recently went to see him - 24 years after we last went to one of his gigs. And the emotional rollercoaster we didn’t expect, but got. 

Seeing Robbie again became a complex encounter with grief, identity, and the unexpected process of reconciling who we once were with who we are now.

The old Robbie obsession is reignited…

Our Robbie interest was reignited in 2023 when the Netflix documentary, simply titled Robbie Williams, was released. We loved it. The old obsessive feelings bubbled and we guess have culminated in our seeing him live again this month. One interesting, for us, aspect was something we wrote about then and have just rooted around Instagram for (why write something twice lol)...

“Has anyone watched the Robbie Williams doc on Netflix? We finished it last night and he uses so much plural language, right from the beginning the way he describes his struggles in his own mind felt very relatable to us. 

Throughout the documentary there were bits that screamed plurality (to us). His wife talks about knowing Rob and then meeting Robbie and him being a different person, at one massive concert “Robbie” didn’t show up, and “Rob” had to do the gig, in the footage he looks lost, speaking lyrics, and the language he uses while reflecting on this really makes it feel like there is/was more than one Robert Peter Williams. 

We found it fascinating. There’s no way anyone can know if he was plural before Take That or not, and the idea that someone could develop plurality at 16 would get dismissed because of the theory of structural dissociation, and we aren’t saying he has DID. But watching the trauma he went through with everything that happened and us feeling like there’s so much people don’t understand about consciousness, we just feel there can’t be absolutes about the human existence, who knows how these brains and consciousness work… and why can’t he be many? Many are. 

We really enjoyed remembering our Robbie obsession, and felt guilty for being one of those fangirls lol - we went to a few of his gigs in our teens including a bus to Rotterdam and getting to Manchester before 6am to queue! We’re so glad he found his way through it all and found peace. Oh, and f**k the British press. 

- Mia and Berlou”

Yep, that covered our thoughts about that! 

As we’ve talked about in previous blog posts, this year we’ve been trying to do a little more of the things we enjoyed before we discovered our DID and life became unrecognisable.

It started with going to see Robbie Williams’ movie - Better Man - at the cinema, alone. Shortly after this we saw that there were more dates added to his sold out tour, ummed and ahhed and booked to see Robbie live at Co-op Live in Manchester.

We saw Robbie in our teens - we think three times, though we only remember tiny details of two... At Old Trafford Cricket Ground and in Rotterdam, both in 2001, when we were 18. He was definitely one of our early special interests, we loved Take That and bought Robbie’s first four or five solo albums. 

The interest waned not long after these concerts though (first as we discovered Gatecrasher and trance music - the reason we now live in Sheffield in a roundabout way, and then moving onto The Red Hot Chili Peppers), but at the time it was strong - for the Old Trafford gig we were picked up by a friend at 4am, got to Old Trafford by 6am, and doors opened at 4pm! 

As per most of our life, we have barely any memory of the concert, but we do recall the frenzied running when the gates opened and that we managed to get right to the front. Definitely no regrets, and it was worth it!

How we ended up going to Rotterdam with a friend we don’t know, and again there’s very little memory from the weekend. It was a bus trip there, we stayed in Amsterdam, travelled to Rotterdam for the concert (bus, again). We remember eating special cakes, know we drank too much, and discovered good weed.

So, the whole Robbie Williams thing is mostly about nostalgia for us. We haven’t investigated any of his many albums we haven’t bought, but we feel a connection to him, having seen him grow and succeed and become a better man. His overcoming his addictions and obviously loving his life is inspiring to us. 

We thought going to see Robbie would be fun and nostalgic. But what we got was a strange mix of disconnection, sadness, and something that felt like grief. We didn't expect it - especially after how buoyed we had felt at the Twenty One Pilots gig a month earlier.

Robbie performing Old Before I die

Being in RW’s company again, 24 years later…

There was much more stress for us with this concert - for the TØP gig, Ben (the husband) had driven us through to Manchester, dropped us off, had dinner with a friend, and picked us up afterwards. For Robbie’s gig we drove ourselves. 

We were worried for months about parking, but managed to promptly book an overpriced space at the venue, which alleviated that concern. The drive there was ok, except the horrific traffic getting into the car park, but we had time and managed to get in and find our seat not long after the support act had started. 

Obviously, most of the gig goers were women between the ages of 40 and 60, which is what we are too. But for some reason we have and felt a disconnect from those there. The Twenty One Pilots gig’s attendees were mostly probably 20s and 30s, the energy was palpable, the excitement, the way so many people had dressed up for it, the arena hummed, there was several successful mexican waves, which our littles LOVED, and in spite of being alone we felt excited, enthused, and not out of place or awkward (much).

Robbie was different. We don’t feel like a 42 year old woman. The selves within us who live day to day the most are not 42, and have not lived most of our life. We have a 42 year old body, and a big disconnect from that and our former life - in spite of feeling able to tap into the old nostalgic feelings. 

The support act was enjoyable, mostly. The lead singer from The Lottery Winners talked far too much for our liking though, and we didn’t appreciate him going on and on about childhood trauma. We appreciated he (and Robbie’s) mentions of neurodiversity (both are diagnosed with ADHD), but that’s not why we were there. We didn’t need someone going on about how hard his childhood was and how Rob had changed his life. Simultaneously we are happy for him and Robbie, and do appreciate the normalising of ADHD, people demonstrating that with the right support, neurodivergent people can and do thrive. 

Robbie himself was amazing. He is an extraordinary Entertainer. We’d found the setlist and familiarised ourself with what he would be playing - we already knew most of the songs, but there were a couple of more recent ones we had to fully acquaint ourselves with. We sang along and mostly loved it (but if we’re honest, some of us were wondering if we’d prefer to be at home tucked up in bed!) Honestly the setlist wasn’t too different to the last times we saw him, 24 years ago…

We had the unfortunate experience of being seated next to a very touchy-feely, late 30s couple. There was plenty of kissing and bum squeezing, which was fine if not a little annoying. And then they fell out. They argued about something for 5 or 10 minutes, it wasn’t pleasant and we found it slightly triggering. He was being very nasty, and she was shutting down fast. We could see her dissociating from it, we saw his frustration, and anger, at her not reacting how he wanted her to. It was familiar. We’ve been there, and we didn’t like the juxtaposition of 20,000+ people having an amazing time, and her sat there unable to engage or enjoy. It definitely put a dampener on the last part of the show. We hope that’s not daily life for them. And are grateful for our conflict-less marriage.

As the last song, Angels (of course), was starting, we had an internal disagreement - some of us wanted to leave and get out of the car park before the chaos really began, and some wanted to stay and watch the whole show. The stayers won, the argument that we’d spent a small fortune on the ticket and parking and were getting our money’s worth was valid!

Honestly, there are collective regrets over this choice now. Angels was an important song for us for many years. When we were 16, three of our school friends died in a car accident. Angels was played at one of their memorials, and for years even hearing a line or two of it could have us in tears. It’s been decades since we’ve cried because we heard it, and we like it as a song, but it’s not got any power over us, it’s not our favourite Robbie song, we appreciate its importance and strength but honestly, it wasn’t worth the almost an hour it took to get out of the car park. 

It was almost midnight when we finally got moving, the drive wasn’t terrible, we were stuck behind some slow drivers which wasn’t the end of the world, that was much better than us pootling along and worrying we were slowing others down! We also had the pleasure of seeing the huge Strawberry Moon for much of the journey home. 

We got to bed around 1:30am, and were wide awake at 4. Managed a little more sleep between maybe 6 and 8, but it was rough. We were processing, it felt like trauma processing - it was trauma processing and it was intense. It’s been a few years since that was everyday life and it was unfamiliar, disconcerting, and hard.

We were shaking, we felt physically broken, we couldn’t stop the dissociation. We felt our eyes flickering around and our skin tingled. When Ben woke, initially we couldn’t speak to him, there was nodding and crying and not much else. After a little while the words started falling out though, we talked through most of what we’ve written here, and then again with our mum, and then again with our therapist. We’ve never had a better timed therapy to be honest and we’re very grateful for him that morning. 

We talked through a lot, cried a lot, and then spent the next few days in a daze. 

Trying to understand our reaction… 

We thought the nostalgia would be good, but in a lot of ways it was incredibly painful. Those who went to this gig were not the same people as those who went in 2001. TØP are a band we first started listening to in 2018, two years before our system reveal, and we have collectively enjoyed them ever since, finding much comfort in their music. Robbie is drastically in our pre-DID-awareness existence, and we found there to be a lot of reflection on our life and who we are now. 

Not being who we were is incredibly hard.

There’s also much grief, in this week’s therapy session we tapped into what was under the sadness when we started crying about the feelings. So. Much. Grief. We realised that by making this connection to our 18 year old selves, we felt the hopes and dreams we had for this life. At 18 we had our whole life ahead of us, yeah we hadn’t got off to the best start in life for many reasons, but we hoped to have a career, have children, and lead a full life. And we definitely didn’t plan on finding out we have one of the most misunderstood and stigmatised disorders out there…

Much did not happen. We had an interesting life (we guess, so far), we did a lot of things, we lived in a few different places (both in the UK and very randomly Belgium for a while!), we achieved a first class degree, we became a massage and myofascial release therapist. We’ve had countless jobs. We never used our degree in any extensive capacity. We have struggled with addictions, eating disorders, suicidality, drastic breakdowns, and various obsessive behaviours - culminating in the damn DID revelation of 2020.

This gig was about more than just music - it brought up feelings about who we were, who we are now, the journeys we’ve been through, the grief for what could have been. Robbie even reflected on similar themes during the show, and talked a lot about his kids. We are glad now that we never had children, in all honesty, if we had, we doubt we’d have ever healed. We (Amber) would have been a good mum, but our DID would probably never have been revealed, our primary focus would have been the children we never had and we would have stayed buried, while those living the external life would still be battling through the breakdowns, the depression, the anxiety, and the subconscious turmoil of our DID. 

As it is, we (mostly Mia and Berlou, but we’re always a blended mix of people) have access to memories and feelings of a life we didn’t live. It often feels like second hand information, second hand memories. Berlou didn’t live any of the life, because until 2021 she was buried deep, holding her pain, protected by others so those living the external life could do so without being perpetually affected by her trauma. 

It’s incredibly strange to feel nostalgia about a time we did not live. 

Twenty One Pilots held our hand and supported us through our system reveal and the horrific healing we went through in those first couple of years, Robbie was there when we were a kid, with an entire life ahead of her. We hope we’re only half way through, and better times are coming, but we know it won’t look anything like the 18 year old us hoped for. 

Even in the grief, we’re grateful for how far we’ve come - but it’s a complicated gratitude. We’re proud of ourselves, that we survived in spite of everything; we’re grateful our suicide attempts never got past the point of no return, we are glad we’re alive, that we’re us. Awareness and healing cost us greatly though. 

Robbie performing Come Undone

Music, memory, and selves… 

We’ve known for years that music affects us profoundly. We feel it physically often, we feel the tingles, we notice our mind/s shifting in reaction to songs, we know how easy it is to cry to certain songs. Music = emotions.

Apparently, music activates multiple parts of the brain at once - including the hippocampus (memory), amygdala (emotion), and prefrontal cortex (identity and reflection). Explaining why a single song can instantly bring back a flood of feelings, images, memories - we can be mentally transported back to a moment in time.

For many people, especially those with trauma or Dissociative Identity Disorder, this can happen even more strongly. We can have selves that are tied to certain memories or time periods and may feel deeply connected to specific music, lyrics, or artists.

During adolescence music can be hugely important, we develop our sense of self often in tandem with music. Hearing those bands we used to love can feel jarring, or even painful, because it brings up someone we used to be but aren’t anymore. For systems, this might mean someone who lived around that time becomes more active or emotionally present. It’s more than just remembering. 

In many people’s trauma journeys, music becomes a lifeline - something that helps separate selves cope, hope, or feel understood. Perhaps, newer music that has travelled with us during healing (like Twenty One Pilots for us) has become part of our current us. It feels safer, validating, and familiar.

Last reflections…

We guess in some ways, at the Robbie gig, we were reconciling past and present selves in real time. We feel we’ve mostly processed it, we don’t regret going, but probably won’t be next time he tours (unless invited!), conversely, we cannot wait until TØP tour in the UK again. 

Music is terrifically important to us and always will be, and we hope to enjoy much more live music in the future. We thought Robbie would reconnect us with something joyful. But what it really did was show us how much we've been through and changed, it connected us to a grief that simmered beneath, reminding us of who we were, who we are now, and the importance of being gentle with and holding space for who we used to be.

If you're willing to change the world

Let love be your energy

I can't contain how I feel

When your love shines down on me

~ Robbie Williams - Let Love Be Your Energy

I love my life

I am wonderful

I am magical

I am me

I love my life

And finally

I'm where I want to be

~ Robbie Williams - Love My Life

Robbie talking to his teenage self...