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The A-Z Blogging Challenge - B for Berlou


By Mia. 


We aren’t just going to write about ourselves, honestly! But it’s starting that way, and C will maybe be Caris, consciousness, and change, we’ll see soon. It’s easier for us to write about each other in some ways, so I’m writing B for Berlou.


 

Deep inside she cried,

for decades she didn’t live,

and now she can bloom.


 

Finding Berlou


Berlou is why we’re all here, she is our main trauma holder and held the secret no one could have ever guessed or imagined, that caused our DID… from when we were two?! We’ve doubted this too, it sounds implausible, we know, but we all know it happened. 


In 2019, Amber started therapy through a local charity, they would never have taken us on if we had any idea about our DID - but at the time we were just a person who had suffered from chronic depression and anxiety. 


During those first few months of therapy, Amber spent days anxious before each appointment and cried throughout the session and for days after. From what I can remember she talked about our childhood quite a bit, but she knew nothing she spoke about was why she was crying. 


Amber remembered Berlou’s trauma a few months after starting therapy when she was training in myofascial release (MFR) just outside Chicago - surrounded by over 100 other therapists. MFR is a hands-on physical therapy that can release physically stored trauma, so it’s not surprising it was effective for us - we had so much trauma packaged up within this body.


In late 2020 our system reveal started, and Berlou made herself known a few months into it. She first switched out through me, surprising everyone as I/she started crying “I’m not Mia, my name is not Mia, it’s Amber Louise”. We comforted her and got her back inside, and it was another month or so before we became aware of her again and she started spending time out, healing and aging.


Healing Berlou


Berlou’s trauma was the hardest to heal, most of the other childhood trauma was ‘normal’ trauma - grief, injuries, emotional pain, illnesses. Berlou’s was a whole different situation because it was so deep, old, and complex. Healing Berlou included not only healing the trauma itself but the decades that she subsequently suffered for too - she had cried, just cried, inside, for about 36 years.


Healing B involved us finding and processing our anger at our mum for not protecting us, grieving the life Berlou never had, and finding and healing the incomprehensible emotions related to her suffering.


I (Mia) went to the police about the abuse itself, despite doubts that any action would be taken, but we had to do something, I had to do something. To our surprise, we were taken seriously, and it took three months for ‘no further action’ to happen - just before we were due to give our evidence. Although the outcome wasn’t what we had hoped for, this process was integral to Berlou’s healing. 


The most extraordinary part of Berlou’s healing was Berwoo's appearance. Berwoo is a non-traumatised version of Berlou and turned up after Berlou had processed a lot of her trauma. They’re incredibly different, while Berlou is quiet and introspective, Berwoo has an abundance of childlike joy and hope and has been a huge help to our system, she even published two of her own books!


Berlou's Life 


Berlou and I are the most consistent people here at the moment, Berlou is living the life, which is what she wanted, and Amber supported in so many ways. Berlou’s age is difficult to distinguish, it feels like she spans a greater time frame than some of us, maybe she is simultaneously living across ages to make up for the lost decades, who knows, cause we certainly don’t.


Berlou and I have driven most of what we’ve done since finding our system, at times we’ve been fused but we just enjoy being together and sharing the front now. Berlou feels the only way she can make sense of the suffering she has endured is if we can use it to help others understand themselves better and heal, she is why we have written books and have this website. 


This feels like a sufficient overview of Berlou’s journey (I’ve been editing for days and have deleted so much!), and we’re already pressed for time, with 24 letters left to write for this month! Berlou’s story is much more than I’ve shared here, hopefully, someday she’ll tell it herself in her unfinished book, Healing the big T.


Mia


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